


Beyond Four Letter Word

by Wonderwolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-09-26 01:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9855242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonderwolfe/pseuds/Wonderwolfe
Summary: What might of happened...."I don't want us to fall apart" and beyond





	1. Chapter 1

"I don't want us to fall apart"...

Serena grasped Bernie's waist tighter "neither do I"

Bernie slowly ran her hands down Serena's arms, drew away and looked her in the eye and smiled softly.

"I'm sorry" Serena spoke softly. 

Bernie took Serena's hands in her own whilst standing close in front of her

"You have nothing to be sorry for, but please, you don't have to do this on your own"

Serena smiled, "I know" 

Serena looked at Bernie full of the love that she just hasn't been able to show for the last few weeks, she'd isolated herself then thrown herself into work. They'd spoken on the phone when they wasn't together, Bernie had been sure to text serena every morning she had woken up without her. Serena needed space but Bernie was hurting too, she so wanted to be there for Serena. They'd only been together a short time and she sure as hell didn't want this to be the end, she would be there or not be there, whatever Serena wanted, she respected that, She always put Serena first now after her panicking and legging it to the Ukraine, she told Serena she had changed and that's exactly what she had done.

Bernie smiled pulled Serena in gently n kissed her cheek " why don't you head off I'll finish up here and then pop home and when you're ready let me know and i'll head over"

Serena looked at Bernie "I don't want to walk really, I want to be with you" 

Bernie's heart leapt in her chest as she smiled back, maybe finally Serena was going to let her be there for her, 

"Ok, just give me five minutes, I'll sign off some patient forms and change then we'll head back to yours" 

Serena smiled as Bernie quickly left the office.

When Bernie returned Serena was ready with her bag and coat on, Bernie popped her head in the door, "ready" she smiled and Serena nodded and she walked over to Bernie. 

Bernie glanced over to Morven and jasmine and smiled as she nodded to them good night, Serena didn't look up, they headed for the door and Bernie feeling brave placed her arm around Serena's shoulders and pulled her in to her as they approached the lift. They didn't have to wait a second before the door opened and they stepped in. Serena took Bernie's hand in hers as they descended down. They released hands as the lift opened and again Bernie pulled Serena close again with her arm as they walked to the car. As they reached the spot where Bernie had parked Serena kissed Bernie's cheek and broke the silence as she went to head to the passenger side before stopping "do u want to go for something to eat or..." Bernie knew Serena was trying to make an effort for her sake.

Bernie stepped in "would you like to, are you sure you wouldn't rather just head home?.. though I'm not sure if we'll have much luck getting a table anywhere tonight" she spoke softly and Serena looked at her confused "tonight?" She asked. 

"Oh, um, it's valentines night so everywhere is probably booked up"

Serena burst into tears "Bernie I'm so sorry I completely forgot" 

Bernie stepped forward and took Serena into her arms for the second time today. 

"Serena please don't get upset, I really didn't think anything of it, I think there's been more important things to deal with... I don't need a particular day to know we love each other"

Serena smiled as she stepped away. "I'm so lucky to have you, take away then?" 

"Perfect" Bernie said as they both got into the car and left the hospital. 

Serena looked out of the window as Bernie drove, a comfortable silence broken when Bernie asked what take away would Serena like. Serena turned and placed her hand on Bernie's thigh "oh I don't mind, Jason will probably want something too, perhaps a pizza? That's easy isn't it"

Bernie smiled and nodded and headed for the town stopping by the pizza express and running in asking for the take away leaving Serena waiting in the car. Serena called Jason to let him know they were on their way and collecting dinner. It was getting on for 7pm so Jason was happy he didn't have to wait much longer for his tea. Alan had been with him this afternoon so he hadn't been alone all day as he was still recovering and struggling with the emotions of loosing Elinor.

When they pulled up onto Serena's drive they walked up the steps to the front door and went inside. Jason met them enthusiastically "Bernie" he said loudly clearly pleased to see her, Bernie smiled and gave him a brief hug having placed the pizza boxes on the sideboard In the hallway and dropping her bag by the front door. Bernie passed Jason his pizza box, he thanked her and headed into the lounge. Bernie slipped off her boots and picked up the other two boxes before following Serena into the kitchen. Serena went to open a bottle of shiraz before stopping and looking at Bernie worried. 

"Serena I'm sorry about earlier, you know the office, if you want a glass then please don't stop on my account".

Serena smiled pushed the bottle aside and poured them a glass each of juice. They went into the lounge and joined Jason sitting together on the sofa opposite him. They exchanged small talk with Jason. Serena still struggling with her appetite managed two slices of her pizza before giving in and placing the box on the coffee table. Bernie and Jason polished theirs off and after an hour of tele and comfortable conversation Jason decided to head up to bed at 830pm to watch a film and rest. 

Bernie looked over at Serena and offered her hand which Serena gladly took, before moving over closer to Bernie and cuddling into her. Bernie wrapped her arm around Serena's shoulders and held her close, Serena's head resting on Bernies collarbone. The TV played to itself, neither of them taking in what was on, Just making the most of being together. After a while Bernie offered to make coffee and Serena nodded and moved away so Bernie could go to the kitchen. When Bernie returned with two mugs of coffee Serena wasn't there. She sat on the sofa, feet under her and held her coffee mug with two hands lacing her fingers together around it. She didn't panic, perhaps Serena just needed a moment. Though Bernie breathed a silent sie of relief when after a few minutes Serena returned. Serena looked tied, smaller, she was gradually shrinking. Bernie was worried about her but wasn't going to mention anything, not tonight. She felt as though slowly Serena was going to let her be there for her and she didn't want to rock the boat, she had to keep strong for Serena, show her she could lean on her.

As Serena sat down next to Bernie they shared a shy smile and Bernie realised Serena was holding a small pretty red velvet box that looked slightly aged. Serena offered it to Bernie who looked at her puzzled "for you" Serena said softly with a beautiful smile. Bernie placed her coffee mug on the table before sitting back close to Serena and carefully accepting the box. She opened it slowly, some might say awkwardly, she found accepting gifts difficult as it was. Bernie revealed a beautiful diamond eternity band ring. She wasn't one for jewellery but it was truly stunning, subtle, sparkling in the lamp light of the gently lit lounge, tiny diamonds set into what looked like a narrow platinum band, dainty and elegant. She looked at Serena open mouthed for a moment, speechless, if a little confused. 

"It was my mother's and I want you to have it" 

Bernie tried to cut in "Serena I can't it's.." but Serena stopped her..

"My father gave it to my mother as a promise and I can't think of a better person to wear it with my promise" her voice broke a little as she struggled to continue but she did..

"I can't promise that I won't push you away again and that I'm not going to struggle dealing with everything but what I can promise is I still want you, just please bare with me"

Bernie was looking at Serena with a tear in her own eye as Serena's eyes lost a trail of tears down her cheek..

"I know you won't be able to wear it all the time but it's yours now and I want you to wear it when you can, when we have times together, special occasions.."

Bernie pushed the box into Serena's hand and offered her right hand. Serena smiled with a little relief and took the ring from the box and slid it onto Bernies third finger. It fitted like it was made for her and with that they launched into a strong embrace together. 

"Serena it's stunning, I promise to keep it safe and wear it with honour, thank you for trusting me with it. I love you" she wispered before she kissed Serena's cheek as she drew away and Serena took her hands to Bernie's cheeks And held her face before placing a gentle but quick kiss to her lips before letting go.

"You didn't sign up for this and I Just need you to know how grateful I am for you even if I don't always find the way to show it at the moment, I do love you"

"Serena I signed up for us, you and me, partners, I want us to face everything together, I let you down once before and I don't intend to ever do that again" referring again to her monumental screw up legging it to Ukraine! 

With that Bernie went to get up from the sofa 

"I won't be a moment" Bernie spoke softly but with a tone of encouragement letting Serena know everything was ok. She went towards the door and picked up her bag from where she discarded it on their way in. Bernie pulled out a small gift bag that was tied closed with a red ribbon. She had brought Serena something to mark their first valentines but she wasn't going to give it to her unless she felt it was right to do so and after Serena had done this for her she knew she could do this for Serena. 

She entered the lounge and handed the bag to Serena. Serena looked her at in amazement, so Bernie had thought about it, but selfless as always she'd kept it under wraps for my sake she thought to herself. 

Bernie returned to her seat and moved in close to Serena as she pulled the ribbon and opened the bag. Serena revealed a black rectangular box and looked to Bernie who nodded in encouragement for her to continue. Serena took the box and drew in a deep breath almost feeling nervous. She placed the bag by her feet before slowly opening the box, she revealed a beautiful gold bracelet, it was a narrow, intricate gold chain bracelet. Serena gasped and looked at Bernie before looking Back at the bracelet again, there on the end of the bracelet hung two charms, small, understated and incredibly classy looking, a letter E and a tiny pair of Angel Wings. 

Serena was gobsmacked as tears fell once again down her cheeks. Bernie placed that strong arm around her shoulders again and held her close as Serena sat starring at the bracelet. 

"I didn't want to upset you, I just wanted you to have something special that would mean something, you don't have to wear it, or even look at it ever again if it's too much"

"Bernie...  
Bernie it is absolutely beautiful, I can't believe you have done this for me"

"Do you want try it on or would u prefer to keep it in the box for now, I understand if it's too soon"

Serena handed Bernie the box and offered her wrist. Bernie took the bracelet from the box and placed it on Serena's wrist and secured it for her. Serena smiled at Bernie still with tear stained cheeks and eyes threatening to let more fall. Bernie smiled and they held each other for a few minutes. It was getting late now and Bernie felt she shouldn't impose herself or take anything for granted.

"I should probably make a move soon, let you get some rest" she said calmly before kissing Serena's cheek.

"Oh ok, I, er, will you not stay? Stay with me? 

"Of course I will if you want me to, I just didn't want to presume"

Serena stood, took Bernie's hand and headed for the door. Serena stopped briefly switching off the table lamp on their way out, discarded pizza boxes and glasses could wait until morning. They made it to the top of the stairs and Serena gestured for Bernie to go on to the bedroom whilst she checked on Jason. Jason was sleeping, his tv playing to itself. Serena smiled and turned it off before leaving the room then pausing by Eleanor's bedroom door. Many nights recently she had spent in there crying herself to sleep, tonight she wanted to be strong. Bernie had used the ensuite and found her toiletries bag on top of the bathroom cabinet just where she had left it when she last stayed, she brushed her teeth and Serena came in just as she was finishing removing the little bit of makeup that she wore. "Alright?" Bernie asked in that soft raspy tone that Serena loved. She'd nodded and sorted herself for bed as Bernie went back into the bedroom. Serena had put some of Bernie's things in a drawer for occasions when she had stayed over previously un prepared, Bernie found her pyjama shorts and vest top and slipped them on before folding her clothes on to the chair in the corner of the room. Serena soon left the ensuite clad in her black silky slip nightdress that Bernie had brought her for Christmas. She still looked beautiful, Bernie smiled. They slid into bed together, Bernie closing the gap between them pulling up close to Serena from behind and wrapping her arms around her tightly. Bernie felt Serena snuggle back into her "thank you" Serena said softly.

"Shh no more of that, let's get some rest" as she stroked Serena's hair.

"I mean it Bernie thank you.....Bernie squeezed tighter.

you...you won't leave me will you?"

"Never! Tomorrow is another day and we will face it together, try and get some sleep please, I love you" as she kissed the back of Serena's neck.

"I love you too, see you in the morning" 

And for the first time in weeks Serena was able to settle without falling into a wine induced coma even if it may only be for one night, but she had Bernie, realised that Bernie really wasn't going anywhere, wasn't going to run off at the signs of heartache and things being far from easy.  
Maybe Elinor was right she thought?  
Although Serena may not have felt like a lion right now, she realised Bernie was most definitely her shepherd.


	2. Chapter 2 The morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what we didn't see.

Bernie lay still holding Serena as she watched the clock count up the hours. It was beginning to get light and the daylight crept through the crack in the curtains. Serena appeared to have slept soundly for a few hours, more than she had managed lately. Bernie was a comfort.  
They were both on a later start today so there wasn’t any rush for them to get up. Bernie was making the most of watching Serena sleep in her arms. Her mind dared to wonder where they might be now if this terrible tragedy hadn’t happened. Elinor had begun to accept Bernie over those few weeks following Christmas. Bernie had told Serena that Elinor had apologised to her about her behaviour towards her, that day in theatre, the day Bernie popped in on her break purely to watch Serena at her best, where she would smile and know she was hers now. Serena was so relieved when Bernie told her. Cameron and Charlotte had really tried hard and been accepting of the new relationship. They had obviously had an idea that their mother may one day end up in a relationship with a woman following the revelation of Alex. Oh yes, Alex, Bernie thought, a distant memory now of her confused state back then. What she had with Alex was nothing compared to how she felt about Serena.

Bernie’s thoughts were interrupted by Serena stirring in her arms. She smiled. “Hello Sleepy head”  
For the first time in weeks Serena woke and managed a tiny smile as she curled into Bernie and Bernie held her tight. “I’m glad you stayed” Serena said, her voice gruff with sleep. “So am I” Bernie said softly.

They heard Jason use the bathroom and pad down the stairs. “I’ll go make some coffee and see he’s ok” Bernie spoke as she gently slipped away from Serena and slid out from under the duvet. Serena smiled at her. Bernie chucked on Serena’s fluffy pink robe and threw Serena a cheeky grin as she left the room, Serena loved it when she did that. Bernie wasn’t a ‘pink’ person so it always made her laugh. Serena felt guilty laughing, even smiling lately, but some how Bernie always managed to raise it from her without really trying, her witty comments and dry humour. 

Bernie came back into the bedroom as Serena sat up against the head board and took her mug as Bernie got back under the duvet. Serena moved in to her placing herself so Bernie’s arm would encase her. “ Do you want me to leave you to it this morning and meet you at work later?”  
“I’ve no idea what I want” Serena smiled trying to make light of the situation, Bernie offered a little chuckle.  
“No, stay we can spend some time with Jason this morning and go in together. That’s if you don’t mind?” she said questioningly  
“of course not , I’d like that”  
As 8.30am approached Bernie looked at Serena feeling positive. “Serena…” Serena looked at her questioningly “will you see someone, for real this time, get some help to deal with what’s happened? Oh that sounds stupid, I know, i know this is the hardest most unfair thing in the world I’m just so worried about you and I want to help”

Bernie also had concerns about the relationship that seemed to be building between Serena and Jasmine but she wasn’t going to throw everything at her all at once. She knew it was unhealthy for them both but she couldn’t quite work out why, what it was Serena was trying to achieve. Was she looking at Jasmine seeing that she had failed Elinor herself so didn’t want to fail Jasmine even if it was on a professional term rather than personal, or did she really blame her and was being hard on her to make her uncomfortable (Surely not, that wasn’t the Serena she fell in love with, battered and bruised yes but she wasn’t vindictive)…

“I will, I promise, will you maybe come with me? Just at first, please?”

“You know I will, let’s look into it later together and get something arranged”

They decided to get up and showered. Once upon a time they would of jumped in there together, one of the experiences they loved after spending the night together but not now, it was too intimate, it didn’t feel right at the moment. Bernie pottered in the bedroom backing off as Serena made her way to the ensuite. Serena didn’t question her just carried on. Once they were both prepared for the day they made their way downstairs to be with Jason. Bernie had already tidied away the rubbish from last night and put the mugs and glasses in the dish washer. Jason was playing a game on his tablet at the kitchen table and they both sat with him. He said he was feeling better but still sore and was going to rest this morning until Alan popped by again this afternoon.  
The sun was beginning to break through, a lovely bright day for February. “Would you fancy a walk this morning” Bernie asked Serena. “yes ok that would be nice” They checked Jason was ok and headed out the front door.  
As they strolled towards the local park, crisp leaves under foot, Serena took Bernie’s arm. Bernie smiled. 

As they made there way round the pretty park and back towards home Serena took Bernie’s hand to look at the ring on her finger. Bernie was still wearing it and it made Serena smile. Bernie smiled back.

“We will be ok wont we” Serena asked. 

“Of course we will, but we need to get you the help you need to try and make sense of all this”. Serena had been so strong for the last few hours and gradually tears began to fall again. She knew she had to pull herself together if she was going to go into work with Bernie this afternoon.

They made lunch together with Jason and Serena tried to fight her failing appetite once more. Bernie kept strong, didn’t push her.  
When they arrived at work Serena seemed to begin to struggle, her demeanour changed as she spotted Jasmine, she began to disappear into herself briefly but as Bernie went off to change she gave her a smile which gave Bernie some hope. 

However...as Serena sat at her desk and looked at the bracelet still on her wrist, about to remove it ready for work her thoughts turned again to Jasmine and What she could possibly set her for her next challenge!


	3. What we pretend to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where was Berenice Bloody Wolfe?

Over the last week Bernie had spent a few evenings with Serena and stayed over. Her drinking had reduced, she was really trying. She was trying to let Bernie be there for her too but Bernie was careful not to smother her. 

During the week they had managed to spend some time together walking, talking, Serena even let Bernie join her in her 'walk to work' the day before yesterday as they were on a late start together. It had been a lovely morning and Bernie was trying to see light at the end of the tunnel, not only just for Serena but for them both. It was a long tunnel but she wasn't going to give up. 

As Serena sat at her desk having yelled and belittled Morven and Jasmine she picked up her phone.

A text From Bernie  
"Hi, missed you today, hope you're doing ok, I'm on the end of the phone, and I'm up now so I can come in if you need me. Bxx"  
Bernie had worked the night shift last night so had gone home to her place this morning to get some sleep. She felt guilty leaving Serena alone on the ward especially after her beginning to let Bernie help her but needs must, Raff was still helping on Keller and Fletch had taken some time off to arrange his house move.  
Serena smiled, she knew she loved Bernie she was just struggling to show it at the moment, clouded by guilt and worry and how things were going to be now without Elinor. Clouded by some warped power play of how she had to ensure Jasmine was pushed to her limits.  
"Missed you too, I'll be finished about 7, I'm fine, you rest. See you later?" she received a reply straight away, a simple "Definitely xx"

Serena was on a mission, cold and focussed on her juniors and her patients.

When she returned to the office after Morven approaching her in the ladies she took a minute to think. What was she doing? Was she doing anything? She was blinkered, couldn't see what the problem was...or could she?  
She decided to text Bernie..  
"Roll on home time, Need a cuddle X"  
Bernie replied immediately "Wont be long now x"

Serena watched the young doctors finish their shift and head home together, laughing and smiling. She began to tear up, damn she had been so strong today...it was so unfair she was never going to see Elinor progress in her career, see her laughing with her friends...  
"right " she said to herself as she pulled herself together, letting out a huge breath. She threw on her coat, not that god awful one Edward had given her all those years ago but her usual navy one, it hadn't been left in a bar it was perfectly safe and had be spared the wine spillage, more than can be said for the blue shirt!

Serena made her way out of the ward with her head low towards the lift. She descended down and thought she would ring Bernie from the taxi she was about to call, they hadn't made plans but she wanted to see her, she was the only person who seemed to talk any sense in to her...

The lift door opened and Serena turned for the exit and looked up...

AND there she stood, in those criminally tight jeans, cosy in her stripy jacket and snug in her scarf as she leant casually by the door...that bloody Shepherd she thought secretly thrilled! Serena beamed "What are you doing here?" as she went towards her and Bernie gave her a cheeky smile..

"Ms Campbell requested a cuddle?" as she opened her arms and Serena launched herself into her and began to sob quietly on Bernie's shoulder.

"Come on lets get you home" as Bernie stepped back wiped a tear from Serena cheek and smiled at her, "been trying to be brave today as always" she said with a questioning tone as she smiled at Serena.

Serena managed a shy smile back

"I do love you Ms Wolfe"


	4. What we pretend to be continued

As they strolled to the car Bernie placed her arm around Serena's shoulders, this was becoming something of a habit she thought, smiling to herself.

Bernie lead Serena to the passenger side and ever the gentle woman opened the door for her. Serena got in and Bernie passed her the seat belt before stealing a soft peck on her lips which made them both smile.

Bernie went to the driver’s side and got in, she buckled her belt and looked into Serena's tear sparkling eyes "Bad day?"  
"Oh you know...maybe I'm not coping as well as I'd like everyone to believe, I seem to struggle when you're not with me at the moment"

"I'm sorry, you know what we will get locums in, this is ridiculous, I'll ask Sasha for a favour too he'll help out, we'll sort it until you're ready, I wont leave you on your own again"

"You don't need to apologise, I came back to work so I need to be able to manage, I just missed you that's all"  
They smiled to each other as Bernie pulled away. It was a breezy night so Serena was glad when her Shepherd in Shining armour appeared to chauffer her home after she had taken the hour and 16 minute walk in the morning, arriving at 7.16am, it was an early start! She’d been on auto pilot for days…weeks even.

As they arrived at Serena's Bernie pulled up on the drive, the house was in darkness "Jason's gone to Alan's"  
Serena surprised looked to Bernie, "He wanted to, called me earlier, wanted to ask if I thought you'd mind. I didn't think you would so I said I'd drop him off on my way to pick you up and would let you know to save him disturbing you"  
Serena was relieved, Jason had been being really brave but not having to worry about him for the evening was welcome..

"Oh ok, that's good he wanted to go, and I won't pretend it wont take the pressure off me.., us tonight"  
Serena lead them up the steps into the large Georgian house. Bernie took Serena’s hand and lead her straight for the stairs.  
“Come on, I’ll run you a bath and I’ll sort dinner whilst you relax” Serena didn’t argue and was lead to the bedroom.  
Serena lay in the roll top bath surrounded by bubbles and candles. Bernie was becoming quite good at this looking after lark, she thought as she smiled to herself before a huge wave of guilt hit her, she didn’t deserve all this did she, when her baby was gone? she took a breath and swallowed hard, She held back those tears, enough had claimed her for today.

She managed the walk down the stairs without venturing into Elinor's room and stood in the kitchen door way watching Bernie for a minute. She was cooking a chilli, something Serena had helped her master . The kitchen looked tidier, the washing machine was on  
“Seems your house keeping skills have improved Major”  
Bernie jumped not realising Serena had been watching her. She smiled

“You don’t mind do you, just trying to help”  
“Of course not, thank you” Serena made her way to Bernie and pulled her into tight hug, Kissed her cheek “Smells lovely”

“If you cant manage it then don’t worry, but I hoped you’d try and eat something. Here come and sit down” as she lead Serena to the large dining table. She had laid their places, poured two small glasses of Red and even managed to place a candle in there for good measure.  
Serena looked at the wine glass and then at Bernie. “I thought you might welcome a small one tonight” Serena was grateful for the sentiment and took a sip as Bernie went to dish up before eating together, exchanging mutual conversation. Things were really improving, slowly. Bernie knew they wasn’t out of the woods yet but Serena was having a one of her better days now.

After they’d eaten and Bernie had refused to let Serena help clear away they sat in the lounge with a coffee, and the soft sound from the radio in the background breaking the atmosphere and providing warmth. Serena snuggled into Bernie.

“Morven spoke to me today” she paused as Bernie began to listen “She thinks I’m being too hard on Jasmine”  
Bernie thought for a second before opening her mouth…  
“Well…Perhaps you could afford to ease off a little, let her digest everything she’s done so far”  
“Tactful Ms Wolfe” and Bernie laughed.  
“You look tired Serena how about an early night, would you like me to stay?”  
“Of course I would, come on then.”

On reaching the bedroom and completing their bedtime routine that they had mastered so well together Serena lay with Bernie behind her once again. Bernie made her feel safe, she never really did understand why she had pushed her away.  
Serena turned her head and glanced over her shoulder into Bernie’s eyes. “ I really do just want Dr Burrows to be the best she can be”  
“I know you do, just be careful” Serena took Bernie’s response and turned back as Bernie held her tighter.

Serena’s eyes drew to the copy of Elinor's article that now lived on her bedside table ‘Of Lions and Lambs’ she’d read it back to back a million times, She was so proud in the end of this article, The article that had fuelled the events of that terrible day. She was glad Jasmine had told her about the second draft. Elinor had managed to correct the mistake when Serena had gone to theatre that day, feeling incredibly guilty whilst waiting for news that Bernie had managed to save Jason.

Serena drew in and let out a deep breath “Perhaps she should of referred to me as some kind of crocodile since I've done a good job of snapping a lot lately”

Bernie laughed “I don’t think the article would have had quite the desired effect do you”

Serena turned to face Bernie, placed her arm over her waist so she could hold on to her too.

Bernie stroked Serena’s cheek and quietly said 

“Actually I am inclined to agree with Elinor” As she kissed Serena’s forehead. 

Serena raised her eye brow in question for Bernie to continue

“Well…Lions are dependable, strong… noble, command respect and take no prisoners,

But underneath all that they’re still just a big pussy cat at heart”


	5. The Price We Pay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keep The Faith

What a day it had been...

 

Bernie had continued to support Serena through her grief with Serena gradually letting her in more each day. Bernie was a quiet confidence, she was always there, all seeing, all hearing but only spoke when she needed to. Bernie had stayed with Serena the last few nights when their shifts had allowed and was witness and affected by her restlessness. They spent many nights sat side by side on Elinor's bed, Bernie comforting Serena as she trowelled through piles of old photos and childhood diaries. 

Today they woke together and the day was a whirlwind from the start. Serena left early for her counselling session and left Bernie behind who made sure Jason was prepared for the day before she jumped in Serena’s ensuite shower trying to wash away her heavy eyes from lack of rest. As she stepped out of the shower and slowly wandered back in to the bedroom, wrapped in her towel and her wet wrinkly hair softly dripping on her shoulders her phone lit up on the bedside table, a simple text from Serena  
“I’ve just arrived, will see you on the ward. Miss you already but I can do this cant I! Sxx”  
A need for reassurance, the strong and un fallible Serena Campbell was showing weakness, a once rare occurrence that was becoming a more current status.  
“Absolutely you can, I’m so proud of you. I miss you too, I’ll be there with you when you get back xx”

Bernie was really trying to hold it all together yet inside her stomach was in turmoil. Yes there were good days and bad days but their lack of sleep was beginning to take its toll, she knew she couldn’t let it affect her work, she was one of the best and wasn’t going to let emotion or fatigue prove otherwise, She had to remain focussed and she had to balance that with keeping enough strength in reserve for Serena.

The ward was seriously busy and Serena had gone straight in to her assessment with Jasmine when she returned from her counselling session and Bernie was already elbow deep in patient files and looming procedures to complete.  
They hadn’t had chance to speak just a nod, a lock of eyes and a small smile that said a thousand words as Serena had entered the ward. Everyone knew on AAU obviously, about their relationship but both ever the professional they always did their best to silently communicate whilst on the ward unless it was work related, work was work and they knew they wanted to continue to run their ward and trauma bay together so were always careful with their interaction to the outside eye. 

THEN Hansen descended, prowling the ward, Serena spoke to him, immediately concerned by his presence. They both kept their distance to ensure he had no cause to think their relationship could affect their work ethics.  
Their first encounter of each other was Serena meeting Bernie at the Nurses station to air her concern of Hansen’s presence. Bernie brushed it off, wasn’t one to raise alarm without necessary need. Their eyes locked again as Bernie rushed off to her next patient, they still could look into each others soul. 

Another hour passed before they met again at the desk and Serena had told Bernie that she had been accused of bullying. Bernie had an inkling why but her usual diplomatic self she just let on she had heard whispers but really hadn’t thought too much of it. She rushed off again without seeming too concerned, trying to show Serena there wasn’t anything to worry about. Serena wondered for a moment if she was avoiding her but having seen the files mounting she pushed that thought to the back of her mind. 

Bernie had then thought what if Jasmine had gone to Hansen? She would of much rather Jasmine had come to her and told her... She approached Jasmine with an air of caution but calmly said her piece. Many months ago she told Serena she had her back and that she did. She knew deep down Serena was pushing too hard with Jasmine but she could of at least had the opportunity to speak to Serena seriously about it before this. Bernie didn't need strong words or anger, she was direct, to the point but showed herself and Serena as a united front in the smallest but most effective way.

As Serena’s day progressed she was becoming increasingly in need of Bernie to be by her side but she would never in a million years admit it. Bernie had been called up to Keller for a consult and as she returned she let herself onto AAU and she heard shouting. Suddenly as she turned the corner it dawned on her that it was Serena, it was Serena's voice. Bernie froze, it all happened so fast, as Serena began to cry Bernie's heart cracked a little bit more, she heard those words before they left Serena's lips, "Serena No!" It was too late, as she stood watching the woman she loved more than life itself crumple into a thousand pieces towards Jasmine. 

Bernie took a deep breath and held back her own tears and tried to swallow the lump in her throat, she didn’t have the right to cry, ever the emotionless she battled with herself. After a minute she slowly made her way towards Serena, she knew everyone was watching, she looked at Movern to head for Jasmine. As she got closer Jasmine looked up through her own tears over Serena's shoulder and saw Bernie approaching, she tried to pull carefully from Serena and gestured for her to look behind her. A look of panic across her face as she thought it was Hansen approaching but she turned and that gut wrenching feeling left her body for a second as she was over come with relief and she fell into Bernie’s arms. Bernie held her and just some of the pain and grief left Serena’s body for a moment as Bernie then lead her back into the office and quietly closed the door. 

Jasmine was left standing like a rabbit caught in headlights, trying to be so strong. She managed a smile at Movern and Movern lead her away into the staff room as Fletch tried to busy himself totally in shock about Serena breaking down but he needed to hold the ward together for the moment.

In the office Bernie had closed the blinds as she sat beside Serena holding her, Serena sobbing into her shoulder leaving tear stains on her scrubs. Bernie was at a loss what the hell should she do, she did the only thing that she knew how and that was just be there until Serena was ready to face the day again. 

Minutes felt like hours as Serena’s breaths eventually softened and slowly she rose her head and looked deep into Bernie’s eyes with her own eyes raw and sparkling. “What am I doing!” she exclaimed trying to hold back anymore tears as she grabbed for Bernie’s hand.  
“I”…”er”…oh god what the bloody hell was she going to say, Bernie couldn’t speak, her mouth could move but no words would come, she took a deep breath and held Serena’s hand tighter.

“I’m sorry I’ve not been around much today, I’ve been so behind, I should of realised you were struggling”

“Its not your fault, we’re trying to keep normality up here, just the two girls, the sisters that came in today, they lost their mum, I heard Jasmine talking to them and I just had to walk away I couldn’t listen to anymore, then I just lost it with her, I’m so sorry”

“you don’t need to apologise to me but perhaps in a while you should to Jasmine”

Serena took a deep breath “Yes, yes of course I will”

Bernie rubbed Serena’s shoulder and smiled as her pager bleeped in her pocket

“Oh for god sake!” she snapped before composing herself. 

“Go…I’ll be ok”

Bernie was so torn, she was at work, she had to put her patients first but she so desperately wanted to be there for Serena. This was so hard juggling her loyalties but she knew she had to go.  
“I’ll be as quick as I can” she whispered as she squeezed Serena’s hand and left the office closing the door behind her.  
She found Fletch asked him to give Serena five minutes then check in on her, Fletch nodded still a little shocked, he really hadn’t appreciated how much Serena wasn’t coping because she had thrown herself in to work.

Bernie ran to theatre where she was needed in a messy operation, her skills and strengths were put into practise and she had to put her professional head on and try her damned hardest to concentrate after what she had just witnessed.

As Serena sat in the office in her coat conjuring up the courage to leave she thought back to how reasonable Hansen had been and how she really needed to speak to Jasmine.  
Finally had the penny dropped? She was so mortified at how she had behaved towards the young doctor. Her thoughts so clouded by all this pain and she was so blinkered over the last few weeks at how intense her so called teaching was becoming. 

She took a post it and wrote Bernie a note, with no idea how long she was going to be down in theatre, it was nearly 8pm and she had been down there hours already. 

Serena wrote in her beautiful script “Call Me X” 

Serena took a deep breath a prepared herself for what felt like a walk of shame hoping to catch Jasmine on her way but also wishing she could become invisible to the naked eye....

 

Serena was gob smacked at Jasmine’s response and so humbled by her genuine belief that Serena was the mentor for her. She hoped she could fix this relationship and that her colleagues hadn't lost all respect for her. She was grieving they knew that she just had to find the way forward now but she really didn't think she was ready for the next step, Who would be?

As she got into her car and began to drive home to Jason, Serena felt empty once more her mind on overdrive. Elinor's voice surrounded her thoughts, she could still hear her, feel her.. As Serena arrived home she sat on the drive in her car trying to draw the energy to go inside, she dreaded the long evening ahead secretly hoping it wouldn’t be too long before Bernie would eventually call.


	6. The price we pay continued

As 9 o clock struck Bernie dragged her self from theatre to the office, exhausted and in agony having stood for hours working in time with the theatre team to save yet another life. 

She’d done it, her self confidence in her own ability took over and for those few hours she left her heartache behind thriving on pressure. 

Bernie expected Serena to have left the hospital but her heart trembled a little as she saw the note Serena had left. They hadn’t made any arrangements for tonight, Bernie was taking things one day at a time but something so simple meant so much, just a tiny window that showed her she wasn’t completely shut out.  
As she slumped down in her chair she pulled out her phone, the ward was quiet and her shift officially finished hours ago. As always she did what Serena requested so she scrolled to her name and hit the call button. 

Serena was sat at her kitchen table, her second coffee mug steaming. She might not have been covering her feelings with alcohol but she was pulling all nighters on caffeine a overload. Jason was resting in his room so wasn’t any bother, Alan had arranged his tea and kept him occupied for the afternoon.  
Serena was what felt like miles away, jumbled memories weaving around in her mind. Her mobile vibrating on the side snapped her back to reality and through all her pain and sadness seeing Bernie’s name appear on the screen she had a tiny bit of hope that she could survive, just like Cameron had said, with Bernie by her side it was possible.  
“Hi, are you alright?”  
“I think I should be asking you that” Bernie said softly in that special tone reserved only for Serena.  
“I’m ok, well you know…You must be exhausted, Where are you?”  
“You could say that, I’m in the office I’ve not changed yet. Not sure my legs will carry me for much longer tonight ”  
“oh I’m sorry, you go and get sorted and get yourself home, get some rest. I just didn’t want to not speak to you. Let me know when you get back to the flat so I know you’re safe”  
“you want to be on you own?”  
“its not that, you’ll rest better without me keeping you up at all hours, I’m alright”  
Bernie wasn’t sure if it was what Serena wanted or not. She didn’t have the energy to think too hard about it  
“if you’re sure, and you’ll call me if you need anything even just a chat, no matter what the time?”  
“yes yes I promise”  
They said their good byes and Bernie dropped the phone onto the desk with a thud. She wasn’t sure about leaving Serena for the night but she also knew not to push and to give her space so she hoped Serena really would say if she needed her. Bernie eventually shuffled along to the locker room to change before heading out in the cold night air to head home. As she left the hospital she could hear laughter, she looked across to Albies and saw Fletch leaving with Jasmine tucked into his arm. She smiled to herself and was glad they had managed to wash if only a little of the stressful day away. She felt for Jasmine she didn’t ask for any of the pressure she had been faced with. Hansen had let her know it was Jac that had raised concerns when she had left Keller this afternoon. He told her as co lead of the ward, but of course her knew too how close the surgeons were. Bernie hadn't chance to discuss it with Serena as the afternoons events unravelled.

When Serena ended her call to Bernie she slowly made her way up the stairs, it was approaching 10pm and she knew she had a night alone. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Bernie around it just made sense for her to go home and rest, it was the only thing that had made sense all day. She was empty inside and wondered aimlessly to Elinor’s room. She stood in the door way and thought just for a moment before taking a deep breath and making her way to her own room. 

Serena made her way to the ensuite and dumped her clothes in the laundry basket before she stood in the shower with the water as hot as she could take rolling over her body. She thought she understood life and death, the amount of relatives she had given the dreaded news to over the years but this, this was irreparable, never did she expect to have had to face it herself , it was always someone else’s life. 

Bernie had arrived home, the flat cold and dark, she knew if she stopped she was unlikely to move again until morning so she showered, made a mug of tea and collapsed onto her bed staring at the ceiling trying to digest what on earth happened today, feeling totally helpless. She grabbed her phone and sent Serena a quick text before she succumbed to sleep “I’m home, but only a call away. Night xx”. As her mug of tea went cold she drifted off hoping tomorrow would be a better day.

Serena eventually left the shower and threw on a pair of loose pyjamas with her fluffy pink robe, she sat on the edge of her bed and stared out of the window up to the stars. Her mind had left her body for a while as she sat there lifeless. Her head wanting to accept if only just a little but her heart wouldn’t give, she had no idea how this would ever become easier.

Serena checked her phone and saw Bernies text. She was glad she had managed to put her first and let her go home to rest but equally she felt lost again, she really wanted to hear her but mostly be able to lay in her arms, she felt safe there but she knew Bernie needed to rest, they needed at least one of them functioning on all cylinders. She smiled sadly to herself and sent a reply of just an 'X' hoping she wouldn't wake her but it would be there waiting for her when she did.

Serena was restless, she wondered round the house knowing Jason was now asleep being careful not to disterb him. She even ventured into the garden, it was 1am but she couldn't feel the cold, couldn't feel anything truth be told, she was numb. She thought back to Jasmine and how angry she had been and whilst looking up into the sky she knew she had to let that go, her professional head crept in for a second and she promised herself she would do everything she could to at least move on from her warped fixation of making Jasmine pay.

Another hour passed and Serena now lay in bed, the duvet up around her shoulders but she couldn't feel sleep approaching anytime soon. She stared at the copy of the article on the side but for the first night in weeks she kept herself from reading it. 

Suddenly her phone buzzed. Who on earth was that at this time of day..she couldn't help but smile as she saw Bernie's name on the screen.."Are you awake?" She thought Bernie would be dead to the world by now..

"Afraid so, why are you not asleep?!!"

"I missed you"

Serena smiled again to herself, Bernie really had changed, that good old British reserve slowly cracking even if it was only for Serena.

"I Missed you too" 

Ten minutes passed, Serena thought Bernie must have fallen back to sleep but just as she began to try and switch off her phone went off again 

"In that case let me in, it's freezing!"

What??  Serena flew out of bed, didnt know her feet could move her so fast, as she went to the window, she dragged the curtain to one side and there in the shadow of the street light at the front of the house was Bernie, her beautiful Bernie, casually resting against the bonnet of her car and for the first time since that dreadful day Serena could appreciate once more that something in the world really was beautiful, inside and out and she was hers. 

Bernie beamed up at her with a tiny hint of nervousness, unsure if she had done the right thing. Of course she had, Serena ran down the stairs fumbling with the key in the lock her hands almost shaking with want to let Bernie is as quickly a possible, as the door wrenched open Serena met Bernie on the steps took her hand and pulled her inside before pulling her close and allowing soft and brief happy tears to roll down her cheeks. 

They crept upstairs hand in hand and slipped under the duvet, Bernie holding Serena close to her chest. They didn't need words just each other. 

Serena eventually broke the silence

"You never cease to amaze me you know, seem to know what I need when even I dont"

Bernie, a woman of few words just responded by kissing Serena' s hair as she lay in her arms.

"I know I've not been easy lately..."

Bernie cut off Serenas words by holding her tighter and whispering 

"Things worth having never are Serena"

They both gave a subtle smile before dissolving into each other's arms and both finally succumbing to sleep, something that seemed so much more forthcoming just for being together.


	7. Other People's Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In our dreams we fly...

The Morning of the night before:

Serena began to stir as the sun broke through the gap in the curtain, she turned beginning to stretch, grateful that she actually had managed to sleep a while and then smiled when she realised Bernie was still there. They had had a rare Sunday evening together and Bernie had even managed to get Serena out to dinner for the evening. 

Serena watched Bernie for a few minutes before she slipped out of bed leaving her to lie in a little longer. Serena slipped on her robe and used the main bathroom so not to disturb Bernie before venturing into Elinor’s room. Serena was feeling positive today, she had managed to enjoy some time out with Bernie last night at ‘that’ Italian restaurant, the one with the extensive wine list, though she hadn’t taken full advantage of it last night and had indeed ordered by the glass, and just one at that!  
As she looked around the room she strode to the pretty white dressing table and sat down, she looked into the mirror ahead and could almost feel Elinor looking back at her. She shook her head and put her mind back on task. She opened the drawer to find small keepsake box. Serena carefully placed the box onto the table and begun to sort through it. There were random things inside, old theatre tickets from a trip out together, a shell Elinor had kept as a child from a family day at the sea side, a photo of her Grandmother Adrienne and a small red badge. Serena picked it up and stared at it “in our dreams we fly” she murmured to herself.  
With that she heard her bedroom door creak and got up realising Bernie was awake placing the badge into her dressing gown pocket before meeting Bernie on the landing.

“Morning, everything alright?” she asked thoughtfully holding out her arms towards Serena. Serena smiled and stepped into her hold brushing Bernie’s cheek with her lips on her way.  
“I managed to get some sleep so I’m feeling a bit stronger, all thanks to you”  
“I don’t know about that, you’re the one that’s being so brave”  
They stepped away from each other and Serena took Bernie’s hand to follow her down the stairs to the kitchen. “Thank you for last night, it did me good to get out for a while”  
“You’re very welcome” Bernie smiled with her eyes shining at Serena conveying how much she really did love her.

They made coffee and breakfast and spent an hour on the sofa together listening to the news and making conversation about work and Jason. Bernie was on a rest day today and Serena was on a later start. Serena assured Bernie she felt strong enough to cope on the ward alone this afternoon and insisted Bernie have some time to herself, Bernie laughed, her own time would consist of trying to battle through the mess she had left her flat in and doing mundane chores like the washing she had let pile up, she was running out of everything what with numerous items in her drawer at Serena’s and the epic laundry pile at the flat! 

Eventually Bernie left Serena’s having said their goodbyes and holding each other in the door way of Serena’s home when the thought of leaving each other became real.  
“Call me later” Bernie asked and Serena nodded with a smile before Bernie drove off the drive and headed home. Serena reached into her dressing gown pocket and pulled out the red badge, she smiled to herself as she dropped it into her hand bag before making her way back upstairs.  
Serena had prepared herself for work and battled through the day, she called Bernie during an evening coffee stop whilst slumped into her office chair. Bernie told her the flat was now pristine and Serena laughed, “it’s never pristine Bernie” Bernie pretended she was hurt as they laughed, hearing Serena laugh again was great medicine. Bernie told Serena she had spoken to Charlotte this afternoon too and that she had sent her love. Serena was pleased although Bernie was apprehensive mentioning Charlotte, she almost felt guilty because of what Serena was going through and with everything she had put her children through she still had them in her life. Even if it had taken a while to get there with Serena’s presence and influence, and of course Cameron’s singing of Serena’s praises to Charlotte about their mum being a changed woman all thanks to Serena. Finally they knew their mum was with whom she needed to be with and just maybe Serena was what Bernie needed to stick around now allowing them all to repair their relationship, even if Cam had now gone off to London.

Serena survived a long day and some positive mentoring.  
Dragging herself and jasmine from theatre finally she was heading home and hoped she would sleep as well as without Bernie as she had the night before with her by her side.

~

‘Other people’s dreams’

 

Bernie started on the early shift wondering where on earth Dr Burrows had got to sending Movern off to find her. She had missed Serena since yesterday morning and sent a quick text from the office “Talk about passing ships, see you soon xx”  
Serena received the text as she arrived at the hospital, she was early for her shift and smiled as she read it. She didn’t reply but went straight to AAU to hopefully find Bernie. As she arrived she could see Bernie and Jasmine with a young male patient, Bernie had clocked her arriving, told jasmine the prescription for the patient and quickly nipped into the office to find Serena.  
Serena was at her desk and Bernie closed the door. Bernie perched on the edge of Serena’s desk and offered her hand at the front of the desk beside her knee, out of site to any passing eyes. Serena took her hand and squeezed it tight before releasing and smiling.

“You’re early, not that I’m complaining, I missed you” Bernie subtly smiled towards Serena.

“I didn’t sleep as well without you so I thought I’d come in and see you” Serena responded.  
“Its madness in here this morning and I’m not sure jasmine is really with it today”

“Ah that could be my fault, we were here until late last night, I’ll keep any eye on her today”

Bernie smiled, “ok, I’d better go” as she hurried to the door, mouthing ‘I love you’ over her shoulder as she left. Serena’s heart jumped as Bernie rushed off.  
As much as her heart was Broken for Elinor, Bernie was doing a grand job of trying to hold it together just by being her!

Serena was in the office when Jasmine came in, Serena told her about the operation with Darwin being brought forward, it was then Serena remembered something, as she picked up her bag and passed Jasmine Elinor’s red badge. Serena was glad she was feeling more positive and less angry today but today was a good day, tomorrow may not be, one day at a time she thought. 

The day progressed with minimum hitch and late afternoon Bernie was finishing her shift having stayed a few hours over. She knew Serena was busy and preparing for the procedure, they had barely clapped eyes on each other all day. 

Serena was no where to be seen so Bernie put on her coat having changed out of her scrubs and reached into her bag and retrieved a shiny new silver key. Bernie could see Serena was coping well today so thought she would head off knowing Serena would be in theatre until late.  
She felt a little guilty for challenging Jasmine in theatre earlier but it was with good intention she really was concerned, for both of them but of course her loyalty would always lie with Serena.  
Bernie pulled a piece of paper from a pad in her draw and left Serena a note, she placed it on the far side of her desk out of view to passers by with the key. She smiled to herself and left the hospital nodding to Morven as she went.

Serena completed the procedure with Jac and left the theatre feeling a little bruised. She knew Jac had a point about her teaching over the last few weeks but she was really trying to move on and it had hurt hearing it from someone else but she wasn’t going to let Jac see that.  
As she reached the office she checked the time and saw it was 9 ‘o’ clock. Deflated that Bernie would have gone home and they hadn’t seen each other since the morning Serena took out her phone from her bag to contact her but as she sat down she saw the key and Bernie’s note,

“For use as you desire xx”  
Serena was thrilled Bernie had done such a thing, she must get her a key for her place too, it was something that she had thought about weeks ago but everything had been turned upside down since then. 

Serena went out to her car and thought about surprising Bernie but wasn’t sure if she should, suddenly feeling a bit apprehensive. 

She sent a quick text to Jason to say good night as he was staying with Alan.

A perfect opportunity to get away from the house, a change of those four walls might do her the world of good.  
She thought for a second, being at home she felt close to Elinor, but being with Bernie made her feel safe. 

Decision made, she was going to Bernie’s, and Elinor would always be with her regardless of where she laid her head. 

The drive didn’t take long and she arrived at Bernie’s home, a modern apartment and she could see the light was on through the curtain that was pulled across the double glass doors that opened on to the stylish balcony. 

Serena took a deep breath and let her self in Bernie’s door, she was unintentionally incredibly quiet and Bernie obviously hadn’t heard a thing.  
The hall was subtly lit by a lamp on the dresser. 

Serena peaked through the lounge door and could see Bernie curled up in one corner of the sofa, the television playing to itself lowly in the background as Bernie read one of the books Serena had got her as a present. 

She was going to startle her now wasn’t she? Bernie looked so relaxed, it was so refreshing for Serena to see Bernie like this, and there weren’t many people Bernie let her guard down for. 

Serena carefully pushed the lounge door as to alert Bernie of a presence without completely frightening the life out of her. Bernie looked towards the door as it began to open and before she could panic Serena stepped into her view with a smile to die for! 

Bernie was so happy to see her, “Serena” She beamed, throwing the book to one side and jumping up to meet her in the door way. 

They threw their arms around each other and Serena struggled to hold in her tears, tears she had fought off all day, today was a good day, why was she crying now she thought. 

The pent up emotion that she had supressed all day just flooded out, it wasn’t anger or even loss this time, maybe it was realisation and with Bernie by her side now she was strong enough to let go for a while. 

Bernie lead Serena to the sofa before making them coffee and curling up together in a dimly lit lounge, a perfectly domesticated scene of which they had both become accustomed to needing.


	8. The Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wishful Missing scenes. Inspired by Catherine Russell.

So the last week had been quite good one, Serena had turned up at Bernies a couple of nights when their shifts had been separate, she was getting quite used to letting herself in and Bernie was really happy that they were becoming stronger together again. 

Serena was enjoying having some time away from home when Jason was with Alan and they had managed another 'date'. 

They both worked a horrendous night shift on Sunday night that hurtled them into Monday morning.  
As 730am struck they were both exhausted strolling back to AAU.  
Having driven in separately on Sunday they had both cars but as they left theatre Bernie stepped close to Serena and Serena looked up into her questioning eyes  
"Your place or mine?"  
"Mine, you can drive" she smiled and Bernie just nodded in agreement. 

Bernie was becoming more confident that Serena wasnt going to push her away and Serena was becoming more positive and coping better on the ward and was giving Jasmine much less of a hard time. 

Bernie drove them home to Serena's and when they arrived they curled up into the Egyptian Cotton and drifted off together.

Serena managed to sleep for a solid few hours again, having Bernie with her always helped. They woke late afternoon and after copious amounts of coffee in bed Serena suggested heading out. Bernie was happy to do whatever Serena wanted. They settled on the cinema, something with no pressure of conversation but some escape time together. They went for the latest comedy flick and shared a huge tub of popcorn, Serena would gently place each individual piece up to Bernies lips for her to take with her mouth, her head resting on Bernies shoulder as she did. Neither of them paid much attention to the film and when it was over all they wanted to do was get a take away and curl up indoors.

They drove back to Serena's with their food and arrived just as Alan was dropping Jason home. Jason had eaten so watched his programmes whilst Bernie and Serena ate in the kitchen, a glass of shiraz and a glass of white in hand exchanging soft looks as Serena reached for Bernies hand.  
"Bernie..  
"Mm?" Bernie crocked her head  
"Would you take over mentoring Jasmine for a while?"  
Bernie was surprised "Where's this come from?"

"I'm just tired and putting in so many extra hours. I'm starting to feel a bit stronger and I don't want to jeapodise that by doing too much and it all going wrong again"

"Ok of course I will" Bernie smiled and squeezed Serenas hand.  
"Shall we go and spend a little while with Jason before he goes up for the night?"  
Serena nodded and after tidying away they subjected themselves to the world's strongest man until they all retired to bed.

As Tuesday morning loomed Serena woke early and was feeling fragile. She held back any tears as she readied herself for work. She left Bernie sleeping a little while longer before they both headed in for the day.

Serena was quiet on the drive in and Bernie began to worry a little.  
"Are you sure you're ok?" She smiled, as they waited for the lights to change  
"Yes I'm ok just feeling a bit low today sorry".  
"Don't apologise Serena please, why dont you have a day in the office today let me do all the running around?"  
Serena agreed and although she brought the young man that had fallen through the window up from the ED she handed over to Bernie for the rest of the day.

Bernie worked tirelessly all day and grabbed a brief coffee break with Serena in the office and told her how impressed she was with Jasmines work. 

Serena had kept herself to herself most of the day but did pay a brief visit to Hansen this afternoon and bumped into Jasmine on her way back to AAU and let her know that Bernie was really impressed with her. 

Serena didn't hang around but went back to the office.  
She was beginning to feel like she needed a break perhaps some time on her own to continue working through things. She managed to get Bernies attention at the nurses station and Bernie went over to the office.  
"You seem to have things under control here, do you mind if I head off?"  
"Of course not. You, you're Ok though?"  
"I could just do with a bit of time on my own, do you mind?"  
"No, Don't be silly, you go. Ok if i call later?"  
"Yes, i'd like that"  
Bernie felt sad and she knew all she wanted to do was hug Serena good bye but keeping things professional on the ward she went for a touch of the arm and caring smile.

Serena left the hospital and busied herself  
at home taking the odd moment to stop and think about Elinor. Realisation was setting in more and more. 

Suddenly Serena's phone rang and it was Bernie. Bernie was just checking in on Serena as she finished her shift. She was cautious not to impose on Serena and much as she wanted to be there for her she understood there were times that Serena just wanted to be alone. They didn't speak for long, just enough time for Bernie to know Serena was safe at home and wasn't falling apart this evening. Serena was strong and ensured Bernie she was alright.

As they ended their call Bernie joined Fletch for a drink in Albies, they chatted about the day and Fletch told Bernie about Moverns mistery cyber dater.  
"I told her they were one step away from double dating you and Serena!"  
Bernie shot him a look but did eventually laugh. She thought it was a bit odd of Jasmine but didn't progress any further with the conversation she was more pre occupied wondering how Serena was.

Having left Fletch in the bar Bernie headed home. That cold dark flat again. She didnt mind really, she was comfortable in her own company or at least she used to be before she fell for Serena then all she could think about was being with her.

The night had drawn in and both Bernie and Serena lay alone in their beds. Bernie picked up her phone to say good night to Serena. She knew she wanted space but she could'nt settle without at least letting Serena know she was thinking of her.

Serena lay in the dark as the room suddenly lit up by her phone on the bedside table.

"I just wanted to say goodnight. Hope you get some rest. Thinking of you xx"

Serena smiled. Bernies message was perfect, non expectant, just a simple few words enough to let Serena know she was still there. 

As Serena processed her feelings trying to find the right words to reply she thought hard about Elinor and the effect that her grief was having on Bernie too. 

Grief was a deep dark place and some days were easier than others but there was one thing she knew for sure,  
Yes Elinor had died but her love for Bernie hadn't.


	9. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picking up from Serena' s last scene and set the night before the next episode.

20.55 Message Sent…

Serena sat at her desk staring at her phone as if to watch for the reply she knew would never arrive, her tiny smile fading as the phone screen turned to darkness. Her shift had finished an hour ago but she felt calm and wanted to wait for Bernie, she was about to head down to theatre to offer to help or find out what on earth was going on when suddenly the door to the office burst open presenting a completely exhausted looking Bernie Wolfe.  
Serena’s head snapped up and Bernie’s arrival managed to encourage a smile to her face once more.

“Sorry I didn’t expect you to still be here”  
Bernie stopped in her path and spoke softly realising Serena was there as she closed the door gently behind her.  
She carefully planted herself on the edge of Serena’s desk and offered her hand.  
Bernie always offered, never took and Serena accepted. Their eyes met and for a brief moment their breathing slowed as they took each other in before Serena broke the silence  
“You look knackered” She said in jest and smiled.  
“I am, it’s been touch and go in there today, but how have you been?”  
“Mm ok, Evie’s been in..” slightly unsure and Bernie tilted her head for more explanation.  
“I’ll tell you later, can we just get out of here, come home with me?” 

Bernie smiled jumped up suddenly finding a little burst energy in reserve “two minutes I’ll change and we’ll go” As Bernie went to leave Serena stood, I’ll come too, I’ve been in scrubs all day”

As they reached the locker room Bernie opened the door for Serena to go in ahead and as she did Serena took Bernie’s hand and led her in behind her. There hadn’t been much physical contact especially whilst at work so Bernie’s heart skipped a beat as such a small gesture gave her hope that they really could get through anything together, what they had was still there no matter how buried it had been.

They changed out of their scrubs and comfortably, from their underwear to their clothes. Their appreciation for each other evident, in mind, soul and definitely in body as they shared a look at each other as they prepared to head home for the night. 

Serena drove them to her place having driven them in from there together this morning. It was fast approaching 10pm and Jason was already in bed. Serena went up to see him quickly as Bernie head for the kitchen to put the kettle on. When Serena came down Bernie had made tea and toast, neither of them had eaten for hours and Serena was definitely shrinking. Serena being in scrubs all day was a give away to that, she wasn’t usually comfortable wearing scrubs, would usually change as soon as out of theatre and they were evidently a lot looser than a few months back.  

They both collapsed onto the sofa with mugs of tea steaming on the coffee table in front of them. Serena sat in close to Bernie’s side and rested her head on Bernie’s shoulder as they ate and spoke about the day. Serena told Bernie all about Evie and how Fletch was totally useless when it came to the bra thing. They laughed together and Serena said to Bernie she had offered to take Evie shopping soon which Bernie thought was a great idea and she turned and placed a kiss into Serena’s hair.

Serena didn’t mention the text message; she wasn’t sure if Bernie would get it, as much as Bernie had really grown as a person with her ability to deal with emotions. Bernie was always surrounded by a wall of sensibility and strength. Serena knew that was a front really but she still chose to keep that detail to herself for the moment.  
Serena’s mind drifted off as they sat in comfortable silence with the TV playing the news in the background….

Serena was probably the only person who really did know Bernie inside and out. Marcus had been kidding himself when he said after 25 years he knew her every thought because he really had no idea about her at all. Serena felt privileged that Bernie was more open and more at ease with her in the few months they had shared as partners than the many years of marriage she had subjected herself to with Marcus…

Serena drew in a breath and snapped herself out of her thoughts.  
Bernie looked down at her realising she had been in a world of her own “Penny for them?” Bernie asked with a smile. “Oh nothing, Shall we head up?” as Serena stood and offered her hand, Bernie accepted and got up from the sofa. They released hands as Bernie collected the mugs and plates “I’ll see you up there” Bernie said as Serena went to the stairs and Bernie took the plates and cups to the kitchen. 

Bernie took a minute to herself as she stared out of the kitchen window into the darkness.  
Things had been hard lately but she was glad they were finding their way through together.

When Bernie got to the bedroom Serena was finishing getting herself ready for bed, she had removed her makeup and was wearing her black silk nightdress.  
She looked amazing, took Bernie's breath away, she couldn’t help herself as she looked at her across the room.  
They hadn’t been intimate since New Year for obvious reasons, and even then it was still fairly new territory but their relationship went much deeper than all that. They were best friends first and foremost. 

Bernie smiled and walked over to Serena by the dressing table and slid her arms around her waist kissing her on the side of her neck before darting into the ensuite bathroom. An act of lust? maybe, but to show Serena how much she loved her, she was there for her, as always an actions more than words kind of woman.

When Bernie came out from the bathroom having thrown on her shorts and vest top she had left in there this morning Serena was on the bed half under the duvet with her back against the head board looking straight at Bernie, somewhat seductively. Bernie shook that thought as she made her way to the bed and got in. They both gravitated to each other immediately laying face to face and tangling their legs together with their free arms over each others waist, Bernie's hand resting on Serena's back.  
After a moment of locking eyes Serena moved in and kissed Bernie with more passion than they’d shared in months. Bernie reciprocated and kissed her back before pulling away as Serena began to lift her vest top from the hem. Bernie stilled Serena's hand by placing her hand on top and Serena’s heart sank as she panicked for a moment, did Bernie no longer find her attractive, was she only here out of duty?

The edge of Bernie’s lips curved into a shy smile behind her fringe “We don’t… you know” a little worried, it was too soon surely.  
“I want to” Serena answered shyly.

After a seconds thought Bernie plunged forward and kissed Serena. Their tongues danced as they reached for each others clothing. Removing barriers whilst their lips stayed locked, their hands explored as they worshiped each other's bodies. The feelings they had for each other took over, they were like magnets and they thought of nothing and no-one whilst they made love to each other. It was beautiful, sensual and real. As they reached climax together their lips broke contact and they clung to each other tighter than ever before. Their eyes filled with tears and sparkled against the subtle light in the room. They lay there motionless as their souls returned to their bodies, hearts pounding.

Bernie was first to move and placed a kiss to Serena's collarbone. Serena smiled as they untangled and turned so Bernie could slot in behind her just like she always did, a perfect fit, like the missing piece to a puzzle.

Serena reached for the lamp and as darkness set in the clock on the bedside table lit the room, 00.30. They both had to be at work today but they were so content in the moment.

Bernie began to drift off just as Serena spoke

"I text Elinor tonight"

"Sorry?!" Bernie asked confused as she looked up from her pillow.

"I text her, it was something Evie said. Do you think I'm daft?"

"Of course not, if it helps I'm all for you trying anything Serena"

Serena smiled to herself as she settled down and Bernie held her tight.

Bernie looked up to the ceiling as she felt Serena succumb to sleep. She knew there would be some days better than others. Was this this the calm before the storm? Quite possibly.   
She expected more trying times ahead of course she did but when they might happen, who knew?


	10. Unbreakable

As Jason continued to eat the sushi, if truth be known he wasn’t quite sure about it, but it was Elinor’s favourite so he insisted on giving it his best shot, Serena stared into her wine glass almost convinced she could see Elinor’s face staring back at her. Snapping her from her thoughts, Bernie flew into the room having found Jasmine in tears on her break. Worried for both Serena and Jasmine Bernie got to the office as quickly as she could and shock and disappointment hit her. Serena didn’t need to see her face to know what she was thinking and before Bernie could open her mouth to speak Serena spoke one word harsh and cutting;  
“DON’T!” as she lifted her hand to hush her.  
Bernie took a deep breath and knew challenging Serena would get her no where especially in front of Jason. She kept her head and strode to her desk picking up her bag.  
“Where are you car keys” she spoke sternly. Jason looked up if a little confused but continued to delve in to his raw fish!  
Serena placed the glass on the desk before reaching for her bag and passing Bernie the keys looking her straight in the eye showing no emotion, nothing as Bernie took the keys  
“I’m going to change, I’ll see you both at the car in ten minutes” and with that she left the office, sad, hurt, confused & scared. Last night they had shared something beautiful together but she wasn’t naive she knew the worst was yet to come deep down, and she knew Serena had come back to work too soon .

Bernie waited by the car and gave in, lighting a cigarette from a crumpled box at the bottom of her bag, instead of drawing on her E cigarette that never quite hit the spot. She inhaled before letting out a huge breath and expelled smoke filled the air in front of her. She was beginning to feel out of her depth, she didn’t know what to do to help Serena. Jasmine had told her how Serena crumbled in theatre and they had shared some harsh words on the steps after but jasmine refused to tell her the full extent of what Serena had actually said but she knew it must have been bad. As the smoke cleared and Bernie looked up to the sky Jason and Serena came from the wyvern wing and headed for the car. Bernie bit her bottom lip and swallowed hard, she didn’t want a fight she knew she had to tread carefully.  
The drive home was quiet, Bernie focussed on the road, Serena disappeared into her self, such a difference to last night and this morning. The silence only broken by Jason telling Bernie how a little part of Elinor lived on in someone else.  
Bernie smiled, “that’s a lovely thought Jason, I’m glad that has helped you”. 

A tear fell down Serena’s cheek as she and Bernie knew the truth. Bernie bit the bullet and placed her hand on Serena’s thigh as she drove and squeezed softly just to let her know she was still there for her. Serena stared out of the window into the dark.

Arriving home was awkward; Serena went straight upstairs and curled up on the bed. Jason looked at Bernie for reassurance that everything was ok and he hadn’t done anything wrong.  
“she’s just struggling Jason, she misses Elinor and there are some issues at the hospital that she needs to work through with Jasmine.”

“Why Jasmine?”

“Well I think she is a bit of a constant reminder of guilt and regret and they’ve had words today, don’t you worry yourself about it”

Jason nodded as he retired to the lounge. Bernie put the kettle on, dinner these days was non existent and Jason having filled up on the sushi was happy to become engrossed in to his programmes.

Bernie had remained so strong for so long, how much more could she take, she looked out into the dark from the patio doors as the kettle popped once it was boiled. She took a deep breath before making a cup of tea and taking it up the stairs.  
Serena was sobbing quietly into her pillow as Bernie cautiously entered the room. She walked round to Serena and sat on the bed placing her arm over her and attempting to pull her in close. Serena shot up and threw her arms around Bernie and cried uncontrollably into her collarbone. Bernie held back her tears which took every ounce of strength that she had left in her as she rubbed and rocked Serena until her tears dried.

As Serena came back to herself she looked Bernie straight in the eye and just managed to say  
“I’m sorry” her voice cracking and her lips trembling. All Bernie could do was be there, she said nothing, kissed the tip of Serena’s nose before handing her, her nightdress.

What was she sorry for, for jasmine, for drinking? Bernie couldn’t process it all too much right now, she was tough but how much longer could she hold this together. Bernie helped Serena change like a child, her Serena, the once formidable Ms Campbell was disappearing in front of her eyes and she had no idea how to stop it. She helped Serena into bed before going back down stairs to be with Jason. As Bernie was about to leave the room Serena spoke with a shaky voice;

“Bernie..you are staying?” Bernie offered a reassuring but broken smile and nodded as she left the room.


	11. It's only love if it hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hope so!"

As the night continued to draw in Serena and Bernie stood, having been staring up into the sky holding on to each others hands for dear life, they were frozen, trembling with cold and emotion. Bernie had tried so hard not to crack tonight. 

They walked away leaving the chairs and bottles behind, the chairs that had been left from someone, sometime in happier days In a cupboard on the stair well. 

Hands still clasped they made their way down the stairs wanting to avoid reality. Bernie's heart was cracking by the second, she had spent her life running and hiding to have finally found her 'one' before the tragedy had struck that was tearing them apart. She loved Serena more than life itself but she knew she had to be strong for just a little while longer. If Serena had to go and find herself then so be it, she could live with that, clinging onto the day they would be reunited and be able to move on with their lives together. Serena had slung mud at Bernie all day and still she wouldn't break, promised herself she wouldn't. Serena finally, maybe was talking sense, she knew something had to change.

Jason had left the hospital earlier so it was just the two of them. Bernie said for Serena to head straight outside to the car, she would get their things and meet her there. They reluctantly released hands as they parted ways for a few moments. Bernie still with a lump in her throat, shift forgotten knew she had to get out of there as quickly as possible. Luckily the night shift had taken over by now and Fletch and Jasmine had kept things running until then. Clutching coats and bags she fled the ward to the car where she found Serena smoking another cigarette leant against the car. 

"I wondered where they were disappearing to" Bernie said with a smile and with that they got into the car and Bernie drove out in to the night, uncertainty tugging at her heart. 

Serena reached for Bernie's hand and again they grasped each other holding back the tears, dreading the conversation that was to come. 

Bernie waited with baited breath until they arrived at the house reluctant to bring anything up, it hurt too much. They went inside and Bernie couldn't bare to let Serena's hand go, she had to for seconds to hang up their coats and discard their shoes before grabbing Serena into the tightest hug she could find the power to give her. Serena held her back both trying so hard not to let tears fall.

Serena pulled away and placed her hand on Bernie's cheek before smiling sadly and leading her to the stairs, both still cold from the hours on the roof staring up into the stars.  
"I um, should pop in on Jason, will you run the bath, warm us up?"

Bernie nodded as she was lead up the stairs, separating as Serena knocked on Jason's door. She slowly opened it to a large hold all packed full of some of Jason's things. She was so sad it had come to this but perhaps it would do Jason good to spend some more time with Alan, as hard as that maybe for her to admit. Jason looked at her as she perched on the side of his bed and reached for his hand. Jason obliged, finding physical contact hard she knew he was hurting too. They talked, discussed Jason's plans and Serena told him she was considering going away for a while, she didn't know where, when or for how long but if he was safe with Alan and he had Bernie too she assured him he would be ok.  
Serena began to cry but tried so very hard to stop as Jason hugged her.

"What about Bernie if you're going away?"

"Bernie...Bernie will be ok, I am hurting her too by staying and not dealing with all this properly" she nodded, smiled sadly and left Jason's room.

Finding Bernie staring out of the Bedroom window with the sound of the bath water filling the room Serena made her way over to her. Bernie was trying to hide the tears that were rolling down her Cheeks, Serena grabbed her and they held each other before Bernie suddenly panicked and rushed off to the bathroom worried she was about to flood the ensuite wiping her eyes as she went. 

Serena drew the curtains and made her way into the bathroom to find Bernie sat on the side of the bath. Her face tear stained and Serena could see in her eyes that her heart was breaking. Neither of them wanted to start the conversation so avoided it by standing together removing their clothes and stepping into the bath. Bernie lay with her back against the end with Serena in front of her resting back onto her chest. Their skin turned red from the heat of the water having been so cold earlier on in the night as the water and bubbles washed over their bodies together. Time passed as the lay in Silence, eyes closed making the most of the contact between them, neither of them knowing where on earth this was going next...

As they climbed into bed together, neither bothering with clothing, Bernie closed in behind Serena as always and within a minute Serena could feel her body shaking as she sobbed. Bernie was bloody tough so she knew how much she was hurting her and how strong Bernie had been for so long. Serena turned encasing Bernie in her arms as they sobbed together.

Serena took a deep breath and moved her face away from Bernie's

"I survived when you buggered off to Ukraine didn't I?" Serena said trying to lighten the mood

Bernie tired to smile, swallowing hard

"And this time there wont be any radio silence, you'll know where I am always, I promise you, and I will be back for you, don't ever doubt that", they looked into each others eyes 

"Maybe this time we could meet half way" Serena said with a smile.

Bernie nodded "I hope so!" 

They laughed together pulling each other into an embrace for who knew what might be the last time for a while. Eventually they drifted off to sleep together, exhausted from the pain and emotion of the day, ahead of Serena deciding what path she was going to take to begin to repair herself with Bernie's blessing.


	12. Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just needed more...

As Bernie lay behind Serena holding her close she watched the sun rise from the gap in the curtain, an empty feeling from the pit of her stomach, terrified for the future. She knew Serena needed to do something, anything that would help her move on. Professional suicide avoided thanks to Henrik and his suggestion of a sabbatical and she had never believed more that if you love someone set them free, no matter how much it hurt. 

The clock hit 5.30am and Bernie knew she was on shift at 8am but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to leave Serena yet. Bernie was strong in a lot of ways but she was also terrified of hurting people and being hurt. 

Memories flooded back into her mind, the day she walked away from Marcus, the day Alex walked away from her, the day the hospital was rife with gossip and Marcus found out the truth…

Bernie knew she had never loved anyone like she loved Serena, except her children of course but that was a different kind of love.  
Serena was emotionally stronger than Bernie and had showed Bernie how to fall in love, how to show it and how to enjoy it, Serena believed in Bernie professionally and personally.  
Bernie gave Serena courage and confidence in theatre and made her feel the like the most important person in the world just by looking at her.  
Both of them accepted each other for who they were and they made each other better people both personally and professionally but Bernie was struggling with the fact that for all she loved Serena she couldn’t get her through this time, disappointment, frustration and worry, why wasn’t she enough…for the first time in her life she had found the courage to be who she really was and love beyond belief and still that wasn’t helping to put things right……..

Bernie snapped from her thoughts, its not about you, you idiot, went through her mind, yes she was strong but she wasn’t wonder woman much to her dismay and she couldn’t fix everything, certainly not this.

Serena’s world was torn apart and whilst she knew Serena loved her, and she trusted her to come back…eventually, it was the uncertainty of when that was tearing her apart.  
Serena began to the stir in Bernie’s arms, her eyes slowly opened and she turned her head to meet Bernie’s dark smouldering eyes that were shining holding back anymore tears.

Serena smiled softy and reached up into Bernie’s space and placed a lingering soft kiss to her lips. Just for a moment the pain left Bernie’s heart, she knew ‘her’ Serena was still in there somewhere, just hiding, broken and needed repairing. 

“I’m due in at 8 this morning but I’m not sure I’m ready to leave you”

“I’m not going to just up and leave today Bernie, its not that simple is it, for someone as highly intelligent as you are, you can be really daft sometimes”

Bernie smiled 

“Why don’t you give Henrik a call in a while ask him to cover for you, you could help come up with some sort of idea of what I might do?”

Really?  
Bernie was so relieved Serena had suggested that, she wanted to be part of the plan, now, during and of course at the end.  
She nodded and smiled at Serena and leant in to kiss her, just as there was a knock at the door. 

Bernie paused and looked at Serena with wide eyes as Serena turned into her. Serena gave a silent laugh and Bernie bit her lip. 

Suddenly falling into bed naked didn’t seem like such a great idea… 

Serena curled under Bernie’s arm and pulled the duvet up round their shoulders as she rested her head on Bernie’s collarbone 

“Morning Jason” Serena spoke with a glint in her eye as she looked at Bernie who froze slightly terrified!  
Serena laughed at her as Jason slowly opened the door and peeked in “are you two decent?” he asked in his usual to the point way! 

Bernie looked at Serena and Serena ignored her and looked straight at Jason gesturing with her hand above the covers for him to come in.

“No need to look so worried Bernie, I know you two sleep in the same bed”  
They both laughed as Jason came into the room and Serena patted the covers for him to come and sit with them.

As Jason perched on the end of the bed he looked worried now  
“I have to go to work today, you will be here when I get back wont you?”

“Of course I will Jason, I’m not just going to disappear without word to either of you”  
as she looked at Bernie and back to Jason. 

“I love you both very much, but I also know that I’ve been hurting you both lately, I’ve been awful to live with, work with and somehow I need to process everything that has happened so we can all move on with our lives… together.”  
Bernie squeezed Serena’s shoulder.

“ok” Jason paused like he was trying to process that thought. “I will bring you both Coffee” and with that he left the room pondering the future.

Bernie needed to find her phone so she slipped from Serena’s grasp and grabbed the robe from the back of the door as she ventured down the stairs to retrieve it from her bag she had discarded last night. As she made her way back up the stairs leaving Jason cluttering around in the kitchen she saw there was a text on her phone from Cameron. 

Hi Mum. Are you and Serena ok? X  
She smiled, gathered word had got to him via Morven or Jason about the past few days, it had been a couple of weeks since they had spoken, Bernie letting Cameron grow and do his own thing in London, never one to push him for conversation. He was his mothers son alright… 

She paused on the landing and sent a reply

Hi Cam. Good to hear from you. I hope we will be, I think Serena is going to go away for a while. Call you later? Mum x

Bernie heard Jason start to make his way up the stairs as she made it to the bedroom, she took a deep breath and slipped back under the covers with Serena who was managing to dose, she looked so peaceful, more peaceful than she had in months, so why now she thought, why go now? It was never going to make sense she just knew Serena had to do what was going to make her happy, but still sad that, that couldn’t be her right now.

Jason came straight in this time and popped both mugs on the bedside table next to Bernie who was closest to the door.  
Bernie mouthed ‘Thank you, see you later’ Jason nodded and left as she turned to watch Serena doze peacefully. 

Bernie emailed Henrik from her phone. Thanking him for speaking with Serena yesterday and said she would really appreciate it if he could cover her on AAU today so she could support Serena make some plans. Bernie was never public about their relationship but Henrik knew they were together just like the rest of the hospital staff knew, even if they did try to avoid being the subject of gossip, they were old news now! 

As the front door closed signalling Jason had left for work Serena woke to Bernie sat up in bed with her coffee mug cocooned between both hands, her fingers laced around it, Bernie’s signature hold. She sat up and made her self comfy next to Bernie, looked up into her eyes as Bernie handed her, her coffee

“So Ms Campbell, what’s the plan?”


	13. Keep the Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day continued

Serena looked at Bernie as her eyes filled with tears. Bernie looked concerned 

"Serena... whats up?"

"I had thought we might travel together sometime in the future and this was really going to be our time having found each other at this stage in our lives...

Bernie smiled sadly as Serena continued 

But if I don't do something to get off this bloody merry go round of blame and regret you will end up hating me. I was vile to you yesterday I'm so sorry.."

Serena fell into Bernies arms and Bernie cradled her until Serenas tears tried. 

Serena took a deep breath and looked up at Bernie. 

"I do love you and you loving me back does make me feel better when I'm not being a complete cow"

Bernie smiled and placed a kiss to Serena's lightly trembling, sad lips and then to the tip of her nose.

"First things first, why don't you call Alan" Bernie suggested.  
"Let's get Jason organised then we can think about you."

Serena smiled and agreed that was a good Idea. She kissed Bernies cheek and slipped out of Bed and made her way down stairs to find her mobile. 

Bernie got up and jumped into the shower to freshen up and help her think straight. Her mind filled with all sorts and wondered again what the future was going to hold now. She knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Serena but thinking long term right now wasn't going to help either of them.

Bernie had an idea, she wanted to show Serena that she would wait for her and that their little family could work in the future. She dried from her shower and threw on some comfy leggings and a baggy vest from her drawer.  
Bernie grabbed her phone and sent an email and then made her way down stairs to find Serena.

As she reached the kitchen Serena was just finishing her conversation with Alan. Bernie held her round the waist as she ended the call and they looked out into the garden. 

"That's that sorted then, I will take Jason to Alan's tonight when he is home and he can settle in before I've made any plans.  
I did say i'd like him to still have as much contact with you though, that's ok isn't it?"

"Of course it is, Jason and I can arrange something into his routine".

Bernie smiled, she did feel part of this little make shift family and she and Jason had a good relationship. Bernie gave Jason confidence and helped him work round obstacles instead of avoiding new things. 

"Shall I make us some brunch whilst you have a shower and get dressed?"

Serena agreed and made her way to up the stairs as Bernie set to making fresh coffee and grilling an English breakfast. She set the table and tried to make it lovely, pouring the juice and putting the plates and hot buttered toast on the table as Serena came back in to join her looking much more relaxed in her jeans and wearing one of Bernies baggy jumpers. 

Bernie smiled at her and Serena gave her a cheeky laugh. 

"I like this one, I'm going to claim it, keeps me close to you"

Bernie loved that Serena pinched her comfy jumpers it was lovely that they were still so close after everything really.

They shared a smile full of love before settling at the table.

After brunch Bernie tidied everything away and Serena went into the lounge and turned on the lap top. Bernie joined her and they sat closely on the sofa. 

They decided to look at NHS temporary posts to see if Serena fancied working elsewhere for a few months. There was one for New Green Hospital which Bernie pointed to.

"I'm sure Cameron would love that, he went to get out of your shadow, I hardly think sending your partner to check up on him would go down well" 

They laughed and Serena pecked Bernie's lips closing the page on the lap top. 

"Oh Bernie I don't know...  
Elinor always wanted to live in New York perhaps i might take a trip there for both of us?"

"That's a nice idea let's have a look.."

Bernie began to Google places in New York, they looked at hotels and places to visit.  
Bernie was beginning to accept Serena wasn't going to be around for a while, she drifted off into a world of her own as Serena continued to look online.

"Bernie are you ok?"  
Serenas words broke Bernie from her thoughts. 

"Yes, course.."

Serena squeezed Bernies hand. 

"I'm not going to pretend that I'm not finding things hard and I'm scared Serena, terrified in fact but honestly I'll be fine and I support you 100% I promise"

Serena looked around the room and then at Bernie.

"Perhaps this place isn't good for me either, too many memories here, maybe I should think about selling the house?"

Bernies eyes shot her a sharp look, where was she going to move away to??

"You love this house Serena?"

"I do but maybe a new start would be good....  
a new start together, maybe?" She paused

"You, me, and hopefully Jason?"

"You mean...?"

"You and me, live together properly, perhaps we could choose a home together. Would you want that?"

Bernie beamed at Serena 

"Are you kidding?!"

Bernie who at one stage would of panicked and fled the country at the sound of commitment wanted nothing more than stability with her perfect partner.

They hugged each other, the lap top forgotten on Serenas lap. Bernie held so strong, she was beginning to see the future again, it might just take a while..  
She could live with that too.

The rest of the day passed without any pressure, they flicked through other places to visit and even discussed the areas where in a few months time they might look to buy a home together. The blow was softening, through all the fog of heartbreak they began to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Bernie was just making cups of tea as she heard a key in the door. Jason was home so she grabbed another mug and made another cup before carrying them to the lounge where Serena was curled up in the corner of the sofa and Jason was perched on the coffee table in front of her checking she was ok.

"Hello Bernie" Jason grinned and he thanked her as she handed him a cup of tea. 

"Hi Jason, how was your day?"

"It was ok thanks Bernie. What about you two, what have you been you to?"  
He looked between the two of them as Bernie sat on the arm of the sofa. 

Serena spoke first. She explained to Jason that she had arranged to take him to Alan's this evening. Jason was worried but agreed. 

"I'm not disappearing forever Jason and when everything is back to normal you can come home whenever you like,  
In fact Bernie and I have talked about a new home today. How would you feel about the three of us maybe choosing a new home together in the future?"

"Really Auntie Serena?"  
Serena nodded and looked at Bernie as their eyes met the feeling of butterflies in their stomachs made them both feel positive. They still loved each other very much.

Jason was really excited about the idea of choosing a home and living with both Bernie and Serena properly in the future, he liked Bernie, he trusted her.

Jason collected his hold all and Serena got her car keys once Jason was ready. She hugged Bernie and said she wouldnt be too long and asked if she would stay the night again. Bernie of course agreed but said she would pop out whilst Serena was at Alan's but wouldn't be long. Serena presumed to collect some things from home. She kissed her as Jason was heading for the door. 

"Bye Bernie" he waved from the other end of the hallway. "I will text you and see you at work" 

Bernie couldn't help but feel a bit sad but she waved back and gave Serena a wink as she left. Bernie then collected her bag and car keys before running up the stairs to grab something and then driving off towards the town.

Serena arrived home and Bernies car was gone. She sat on the drive for a moment her stomach sunk, perhaps she really had put Bernie through too much and she had gone for good this time but soon the rustle of gravel and Bernie pulling up on the drive beside her immediately stopped her worry.

They went inside together and made their way to the kitchen. Bernie sat at the table as Serena stood with her back to the work top and told Bernie that Jason was ok when she left him and that Alan was really supportive. Bernie was really pleased and it was a weight lifted from Serena. 

"Serena come and sit down"

Bernie looked serious and Serenas heart sunk to her stomach again, was this Bernie about to say she couldn't do it, couldn't wait and had to protect herself by leaving?  
She thought for a moment that at least this time she had the strength to tell her first.  
Serena sheepishly made her way to the table and sat in the corner facing Bernie. Bernie held out both hands and Serena placed her own inside them and Bernie clutched them tight.

Bernie took a deep breath and looked Serena in the eye.

"I get it Bernie it's too much to ask and I'm being selfish, save the speech"  
As Serena pulled away to leave the table.

"What are you talking about"  
Bernie said looking confused,  
"I'm not calling it a day Serena, listen to me.."

Serena stopped and turned back to Bernie having heard her rusting in her bag and Bernie was holding out a black box. 

The same black box she had given her on Valentines night. 

"Sit down Serena please"  
She encouraged Serena to take the box. Serena took it as she sat but looked completely confused.

"I love you Serena and everything we've talked about today I want more than anything I've ever wanted.  
I want us to be able to be happy and be able to move on together when you are in a better place. Where ever you decide to go and whatever you decide to do I will be right her waiting for you"

Bernie nodded to the box for Serena to open it.

It was Serenas bracelet, the bracelet Bernie had had made specially but it was different. 

Three new charms hung clustered around the original ones. The letter S, B and J, Smaller than the letter E but clustered around it. It looked perfect and took Serenas breath away.

"How....How did you do this?"  
Serena spoke with tears in her eyes. 

I emailed them this morning and asked if i could have them put on it this afternoon, thats where I went whilst you were at Alan's"

"Bernie you really are something else... After everything I've put you through and you still manage to be so incredible"

Bernie laughed. 

I wouldn't got that far Serena but I want you to know we can get through anything if we keep the faith in each other.


End file.
